I turned 30 a few days ago. To be honest I thought that I'd feel older this birthday, no real reason why - just thought I would.
I was looking for something yesterday and found all of my journals from growing up beginning in 1995 - half a life ago. As I was reading through them I couldn't believe some of the things that I wrote in there. I was definitely not afraid of writing my feelings out. Now, at 15 years old a lot of my journal entries were about cute guys that I liked and what I did that day.
As I got into the journal entries from my late teens to early twenties - the entries turned more into prayers to God. As I read them, I found myself tearing up more than once to the passion and desire that I had for serving the Lord and how God was faithful to fulfill His promises - maybe not how I expected Him to, but He's always been faithful! Here's part of one of my entries that really got to me:
"Father - help the things I do and say remain ministry. May I never forget the calling you have on my life -- the calling of a holy life lived for You and You alone. And may the things I do always have Christ as the focus." June 27, 2006
The very next day (6/28/06) in my journal the first sentence says, "Today the Lord spoke to me so clearly..." and then goes on to talk about the specific things I felt God was telling me to do. As I looked over the list.... I realized.... I missed Him. Because of numbing fear I failed to do those things I was certain He was calling me too. Later in that same entry I write.... " I feel like it's time for me to move on....but I'm scared. But I'm more scared about being in this place ten years from now and not have moved any closer to that purpose God has called me to."
Even as I type that now - I honestly feel broken. I'm not doing that specific thing I feel like God called me to... and it's 5 years later....
I desperately want to experience the fullness of God's plan for my life; not part or a fraction of His plan for me. My prayer is that He would get me to that place - I'll even settle for just the next step.
My encouragement to whoever reads this is if you've never kept a journal, try it out. The amount of therapy and self-assessment is important. Looking back at the things you've been through, the feelings you've had and the overview of the journey you've been on is very refreshing and encouraging.
"But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life -- not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace." 2 Timothy 1:9
I keep a sporadic journal... not regular in any way, shape or form. It's a great idea! Praying that 5 years from now you'll look back and read this and say "Yes! I moved forward!"
ReplyDeleteBecca - Just saw your blogspot on Facebook and had to check it out. What a great way to minister to others.
ReplyDeleteI have a journal that I have a few entries in - I am not good at journaling. However, a few years back I had noticed how I had been a Christian for most of my life and had taken God for granted. I knew He was working in my life but I didn't recognize Him when He did. So, I asked Him to show me specifically things He was working in. And boy did He.
I have to tell you, there are several entries in my journal now that I can go look back at, and several things I just easily remember, where God has shown me His working in my life. It has truly been a blessing.
So, while I don't know if I will ever be good at journaling, I definitely like looking back on those times I do and seeing what God has shown me, where He has taken me, or where He is leading me.